we are doomed in this world
by pipermilou
Summary: Exploring the alpha world line after Okabe shifted.


**(i)**

It was some time last season- July? August? When she'd witnessed Hououin Kyouma's death. There was no proper burial for him. None, because the one person who was his lifeline was also in need of a burial, in the literal sense. Kurisu bitterly thought that there was a poignant touch there; that cruel fate would pull its strings so that in the end, he died along with her, his hostage.

Okabe Rintarou remained, although not completely himself. Some three weeks after that he hung away his lab coat, far from sight.

(Kurisu found it one day. The coat was thrown haphazardly, hidden behind the curtains and stacked boxes of the lab. She was going to bend over and pick it up when she saw red splotches, some appeared to be wiped and left a gradually fading stain.

She jerked away.)

 **(ii)**

One day, when the cicadas had died down and the leaves turned yellow, she met Urushibara.

(There was an empty space beside him. He was walking alone, without any black haired girl lacing their fingers together and swinging their arms in a childlike spirit rivaling five year olds.)

Clad in black gakuran, he (she? _they._ ) waved at her, graceful as always. "Ah, Makise-san!"

"Urushibara!" She greeted. "Just came back from school?"

"Yes," they nodded, "Um, it has been a while." And bowed.

Kurisu returned the gesture and twirled a strand of chestnut hair, "Sorry, I will make sure to visit the shrine sometime."

"No, I understand," They stopped. "No one ever really came by anymore, anyway."

Kurisu caught the way their eyes drooped, she grimaced.

"..Okabe, too?"

"Kyouma-san, too."

"Oh.."

They stood in silence. Come to think of it- she never conversed with Urushibara when Okabe or Mayuri was not around. Surprisingly, it's the meek shrine maiden that spoke up first.

"I like them, you know." When Kurisu opened her mouth in confusion, they hurriedly added. "Um, his lessons, I mean. I actually enjoyed them."

Somehow, Kurisu understood what Urushibara was implying, though unsaid.

"I know. They.." Kurisu trailed off. "They are going to come back, don't worry. Okabe will also come back. Everyone will."

Her inner scientist scoffed at herself. That was neither based on fact nor observations. That was a baseless statement driven by illogical emotions.

"I do hope so." Urushibara sniffled, still a sight even when crying.

Kurisu hugged the beautiful maiden clad in black. Their tears staining her jacket; she doesn't care. She felt like crying herself.

 **(iii)**

Kurisu wandered around Akihabara and found herself in front of Faris' cafe. She was brought in with the bitter fragrance of nostalgia. Everything, from the café sign to the decorations, looked the same as it was in summer.

Did they?

No, something is off. She couldn't figure it out when she stepped in the radiant room. She couldn't when she was seated not far from Okabe and Hashida's usual seat, or when she nonchalantly ordered the meal she- _they_ used to order. She still couldn't when a cat paw tapped the table, getting her attention.

"It really is Ku-nyan!" The cafe owner, her childhood friend, playfully nudged her arm.

"Akiha-san?" Kurisu tested, it doesn't fit.

"I'm Faris at work, nya!" The other girl winked. "Wow, long time see! Faris had missed her fellow brethren and sistren. She wondered if they were all off hiding somewhere from the Third Eyed Demon, nya!"

"Yeah, uh, long time no see." Kurisu found her voice. This girl managed to conjure up the weirdest things. "I assume no one- from the lab, that is, came here that often?"

"Naw, only Daru-nyan came, and even that was weeks ago." Faris stopped. "He'd really lost some weight, nya."

"I see.." Her words trailed off. Kurisu pondered for a moment before saying, "So, how are you doing?"

Kurisu had seen both Faris and Akiha Rumiho. Akiha Rumiho was the wistful dream she locked away. Akiha Rumiho was a part of her childhood she would rather not remember, not because it was revolting, but because honestly, that segment of her past does not line up with what came after, and after, and now.

Faris was the obnoxious cat girl she met when Okabe dragged her into the cafe. Kurisu didn't want anything to do with her at first. That opinion slowly changed after three weeks, several encounters, and one long conversation with Okabe later, when he dragged her to the side after suddenly waking up in cold sweat; when he spilled off the events that happened some few hours later in a distant world, something about Virus Attackers and plane crash and d-mails. Kurisu thought that even now, they barely scratched the surface of what the cat girl really is. She'd seen Faris working and, even if she had scrunched up her nose at the antics of the other girl, Kurisu admitted that she always maintained a degree of professionalism in playing the perky character she was supposed to be.

Kurisu had seen both, but she has never been able to read what the other girl is thinking. Perhaps Akiha Rumiho, the girl who grew up too fast, who suddenly had to dress up in business suits and sit in meetings, found comfort being Faris.

(Just like Okabe with Hououin Kyouma _andyoudestroyedthat-_ )

"Faris has been doing purrfectly fine, nya!" Faris cut her train of thought. Kurisu thanked her internally. "She's been busier than usual, though! We had to weed out the reporters for the first few months, and then things never died down. Faris has to work double shifts now that we are.." She stopped, testing the words, "..a bit short-staffed."

 _Oh._

Reporters. Right.

What Kurisu missed when she stepped in the cafe was how they tore down Mayuri's photo on the front display, or how no one in the cafe had requested a girl with long blonde hair, or how the name MayQueen+Nyan2 had made itself on the search bar and trending topics when she was browsing.

(Even in the few months following her death.)

"But, you know, Ku-nyan," once again, the other girl picked up the conversation, "You are very welcome to apply! Faris is sure that the catstomers would love you, nya!"

"No, thank you very much." Kurisu curtly replied. "I have my own business to attend to, and I really need to go back soon."

"Aw, that's a waste." Faris clicked her tongue, "Faris was feeling a bit lonely, too."

Kurisu caught her bright pink eyes, and saw Akiha Rumiho. She laughed bitterly.

"Me too."

She ate the rest of the meal in silence.

 **(iv)**

Her plan was that she would take a train to Haneda Airport after she parted ways with Okabe in front of the station. Both of them knew that plan didn't end well at all as she ran, breathless and gulping for air, down the road and up the stairs of the lab.

By then, he was already clutching the headset that wrapped around his head and sparks was dancing everywhere but she was resolved, so she screamed out her feelings-

( _"_ _Kurisu-!_ _"_ )

-to no one but herself and the empty lab she was in.

Kurisu thought, as she reminisced, that she should have departed, as planned. There are reasons plans exist: so that stupid, illogical last minute decisions won't be necessary

She switched on her laptop and the loading screen lit up. She needs to do it today. There was no reason for her to stay in Japan anymore- not her seminar, nor any of her personal reasons. The lab in America needed her, Maho had said in one of their Skype calls, 'come here quick or I will drag you here myself!'

She mustered up a smile and said that she needs to do more research with an acquaintance about an interesting subject to write a thesis on.

(She almost said time travel, but went with neuroscience. She was not lying.)

Kurisu clicked open the tab she bookmarked. The web loaded and asked her date of departure. She entered the day after tomorrow; it said every flight has been booked except for few business class seats she can claim over with a steep price. Her brain conjured up some trivial information about national holidays.

Kurisu pondered on making the effort to search for another date.

She closed the tab, laid down, and picked up a book- thickest one she brought, and started reading until sunlight seeps in through the unfiltered parts of the hotel curtain.

 **(v)**

There were times when staying in her hotel room felt like drowning into deep waters. And so, she sloppily dressed herself and emerged from the room.

She stopped by the lab again, twice this week.

There was not one living being to greet her, of course, except for Tennouji-san. She once asked about Nae, but he ushered her away and said something like 'she needs time' under his breath. She never brought up the question again.

Without anyone to attend to it, the lab was coated in a thin layer of dust. Kurisu rummaged through her tote bag and grab a spray bottle and cloth.

(She was always kind of domestic.)

Cleaning was like revisiting her memories.

Kurisu found the Upa doll Mayuri sewn. Droplets of snacks and traces of red liquid from one of the Future Gadgets. Half-filled bottle of fruity shampoo and a hanged towel in the bathroom. Hashida's dubious games were sloppily stacked below the computer desk.

It was as if time had stopped; that was not completely wrong. Time stops now, too, when something in her brain clicked as she felt cool metal underneath her fingertips. Those were some leftover parts Okabe had bought at her request to-

She'd wondered if she could do something for _him_ many times before. She had found what that something is now.

And so she flew out of the lab and into the electronic shops, making a mental note of the parts she needed to buy.

 **(vi)**

Kurisu thought, in all honesty, because it was fact and there was nothing personal or subjective, that Okabe looked good in black and suits.

She retorted the sentence right away when he stepped in the lab for the first time in four months.

(Also she could've sworn she heard light footsteps following after his heavy, dragged ones. She could've sworn someone said juicy chicken or something along the lines.)

"Okabe!" She called out to him. The name left her lips in forced familiarity and she hated that; whereas months ago the name smoothly rolled on her lips- good natured and almost instinctively. He flinched at her voice and he mumbled something she could only hear bits and pieces of.

"Uh, I was collecting my college textbooks, don't mind me.. Daru is not here I see, well, good bye."

He left before she could greet him happy birthday. She then scoffed at the idea, at herself, at the source of his unhappiness, and flickered her eyes on the new (and the last) invention she made. Just in case.

 **(vii)**

There was a day, she forgot which- though she was always good with dates, when the three of them came to the lab.

Hashida couldn't stay away in a lengthy period of time without his 2D girls, he claimed. She didn't fail to notice the appearance of sweater folds where his portly body used to fill in. The last time she saw him was October. It was December twentieth, give or take.

Okabe was downright unbearable to look at. If she hadn't known better, Kurisu would think he is a dead man walking. She noticed his clean shaved face, and she should have seen a younger, youthful image of him.

Should have. Okabe, with bags under his eyes and skin as pale as the lab coat he used to wear, looked as if he aged a decade in a single year. Her heart tightened. She wanted to ask him so many questions, but they all died in her throat. She ended up answering them herself.

How have you been these days? _Worse._

Are you eating well? _Didn't look like he has been eating at all._

Do you want to talk about anything? Let me in, I could help you. Please. _Why would he?_

She thanked Hashida for the small talks that spanned through morning to mid-evening before they finally parted ways, because Okabe was actually conversing and without them, the silence would be unbearable.

(She noticed she'd been using that word a lot.)

Kurisu would be lying if she said that she didn't miss goofing off and playing with random Future Gadgets. She'd be lying if she said she didn't want to work with the two of them again, making the impossible possible.

There were two brains and one brawn, but they were lacking the heart that brought them all together.

 **(viii)**

It was the New Years. Kurisu stepped in the lab with a new resolve.

(Two years ago it was to reconcile with her father. Last year it was to belong in the lab in Viktor Chondria.

None of them came to be.

This year for sure.)

She caught herself staring at the vacant room before her. Hashida's computer is collecting dust, she needs to clean that again. Though the sofa seemed to be in a good shape. Kurisu creaked open the cupboard; they have run out of coffee.

Kurisu hummed a foreign tune she conjured up on the spot. Her ears picked up the pathetic excuse of a song, and a myriad of other noises.

"Fuhahahaha!" Someone sprung up from the sofa, arms wide and carefree. "Behold! The gift to all mankind, presented by yours truly! The Phone Microwave (Name Subject to Change)!"

 _Okabe_.

"Really? Do you have to add that mouthful at the end?"

That was her own.

"Shut up, you Celeb 7!"

"Who did you call Celeb 7?!"

"Come on, you two." Someone frowned. "Mayushii doesn't want any fights in the lab."

Her breath hitched.

Another one spoke, "It's okay, Mayu-shi," then grinned, "they are just having their lovers' quarrel. Okarin, you normie!"

 _Mayuri. Hashid_ a.

Her lips quivered. _It wasn't supposed to be like this_ , she thought as she tasted something salty. _It shouldn't have turned out this way,_ she run her hands through the tangles of her hair. Her back slid down the counter under the force of gravity and pressed against the cold marble behind. The sobs swelled in intensity as her eyes, ugly and red-rimmed, stared at the fabricated scene before her.

There was a voice deep inside, first a mumble, then a seething roar.

(I don't want it to end this way.)

By the time the sobs ceased and the quake waned, the sun had risen up north. Kurisu took a wobbly step to the product of her labor.

And then the door opened.


End file.
